Makayla Dawn, I'm 17 and live in Cali. I like old rock and country. Demi Lovato is my inspiration. I'm obsessed with animals and flowers, get over it. I like my trucks lifted, my boys strong, and my boots muddy. I am 2 years clean of self harm so If you ever need someone, I'll be there. I've been through hell and back again, and I made it out. You can too, so stay strong!
Before reading my story, or watching my video.. please know much more has happened since I’ve posted those. A lot of people have come to me saying so many nice things and it helps me so much but I feel bad….. because I wasn’t completely honest when I told my story. I didn’t put a few of the most important things in there.. and.. one day I will update it but I’m just not strong enough yet. I’m sorry.
**THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING**
Please watch this, if I can just help one person…one person, that’s all I ask for. I don’t want any of my beautiful follower, followers to come, or my friends to feel as if they are alone, because you aren’t. Now, I know I don’t show a lot of emotion in this video, because I hide it well and I’ve learned how to completely separate myself from emotions. But please, just watch it, and spread the word that YOU AREN’T ALONE.
I am always here for my follower, day or night. It doesn’t matter about what, when, anything. I will do everything in my power to help you <3 I love you!
Stay strong beautiful
It all started when I was only 6, yes 6 years old! I can remember the very day when I realized my family wasn’t “normal” and my dad wasn’t my “daddy”! He is my biological father, but he was never my dad. I’ve never really had that “daddy” figure in my life, considering my father was never there for me. By the time I was 9, my life was already falling apart. That is the year I had my first surgery, when things got much much harder at home, I started getting bullied at school, and also when my own father started to make me feel worthless. I was never good enough for him, ever, even to this day! I was never good enough for my own father, not my looks, weight, grades, art, style. I was simply not good enough for him to love.
When I was 11 I began to get majorly depressed, because of my father. I was a little kid….instead of thinking about what was going to be on TV that night, my thoughts consisted of “is home safe?” “will he yell all night long again” “will he walk out on us again?” “does my dad even..love me?” This is also when I began to having sleeping issues. I still have not been properly diagnosed with any sleeping problems, but I still have them. Just before my 12th birthday I had developed an eating disorder. Which is now diagnosed as Anorexia, and Bulimia. 3 months later….I started hurting myself. Scratches turned into small cuts, which turned into deep cuts, which turned into extremely deep cuts that i will have scars from for all of my life. Kids bullied me all day, everyday. Starting from the minute I got to school, to walking home, to online, then it started all over again. They called me fat, ugly, worthless, piece of shit, dumb, bitch, slut, whore, skank, cunt, fake, emo, waste of space….they reminded me everyday for 2 years straight! I’d got followed home and tormented the whole way. I got pushed down and into lockers on a daily basis. Every girl hated me, and no guy wanted me.
By the time I was 13, I had 4 surgeries, I stopped talking to my father, the cutting and eating disorders had gotten dangerously bad, and I was suicidal. I thought about suicide daily, and people at school never stopped reminding me off it! I finally told my mom about the bullying and I got transferred into homeschooling. But I didn’t like it. It made me isolate myself 10 times more, and I just got more and more depressed (which I didn’t think was possible.) Even though I was at home 24/7…people then started cyberbulling me. People started rumors that I was pregnant (which couldn’t even be possible at the time!) They told me to kill myself, to rot in hell, and never step a foot outside of my house because they would come after me. I lost all but 2 friends because of this. And those 2 friends, didn’t understand anything at all. I was completely alone, and no one even cared.
One day after I came home from my boyfriend’s house, my mom saw my scars…..she didn’t know what they were. But I didn’t lie to her. I was at my breaking point, and I knew I needed help. I knew that if I didn’t get help and get better, that there was a huge possibility I could not be alive anymore. She then got me a therapist and I was later put on anti-depressants. This is when I began to smoke, which I am still struggling with. I had tried attending a new high school, in a different city. Things went well…but they didn’t stay that way. Eventually, they were all bulling me too. I got threats, they called me names, they wanted to beat me up, but most of all….they wanted me dead, and they weren’t afraid to tell me. I have now been bullied out of 3 schools!
When I was 14, my boyfriend had to move thousands of miles away from me…he ended up cheating. I loved him, what am I saying? I still do! But it broke me. I tried dating other guys, but they hurt me too. So I kinda gave up on relationships. After that, my suicidal thoughts had turned into my reality. I overdosed and cut really badly. I don’t think I was trying to kill myself….yes I attempted it…but i didn’t want to die. I just wanted help, I wanted an escape, I wanted someone to care!
It has now been over a month since the attempt, and although I am still struggling….I’m okay. Things are okay. I am content with myself and my life. I have accepted the fact that I will never have that “daddy” figure. I have accepted that I don’t need to be everyone’s idea of perfect, just my own. I have moved on from the past. I have been diagnosed with 2 eating disorders, depression, perfectionism. I used to self harm, smoke, and I attempted suicide! But I am okay, things got better! I am stronger than ever, and the best thing? I’m here to help you!